There has been overwhelming interest recently from musicians wishing to join the RTO. As we could not accommodate them all immediately, we began to compile a waiting list, partly to comply with our equal opportunities charter. When this list exceeded the number of current players, several options were open to us, including offering part-time contracts, guest slots, and concerts-only membership. We even considered creating an entire reserve orchestra – a training RTO!

There then rose the dilemma of what criteria to apply to new members. In keeping with our principles, ‘first come first served’ would have been the fairest method but there were objections, particularly from Peter. He insisted on rigorous selection on the grounds of age and looks but was overruled. Other long-serving players preferred personality testing. One lady member suggested positive discrimination (to admit more men). No one recommended auditions.

In the end, the consensus was that there should be no official waiting list, in case it raised hopes. However, we do keep a note of all enquiries for our records and when vacancies arise the membership sub-committee will approach the lucky ones discreetly.

The present and former teachers of RTO musicians have been notably slow in coming forward to identify themselves for our proposed mentoring scheme. Possibly, they are suffering from collective modesty but without them we can’t make much headway.

As an incentive, we are offering a special deal to all ‘mentors’. This includes a life size poster of themselves, along with their RTO student, which can be used as marketing material, either in Edinburgh’s music shops, or at concert venues throughout the city.

We will also post their contact details (telephone numbers, email and postal address) on our website – for free!

So come on you shy lot! You have nothing to lose!

The Easter concert in Utrecht marked two firsts for the RTO, the first ‘first’ being that we had never before been invited to perform, as we were by the Dutch. The second ‘first’ came early on in the evening when two people walked out. To our knowledge, no one, apart from the odd musician (of which, more below), has ever walked out of an RTO concert.

The two, who will remain nameless, shot out of their seats during the opening bars of the Mozart and never returned. It was reported that as they fled the scene they said ‘this is really terrible’, which caused distress to other guests who had paid good money to hear a really terrible orchestra.

The incident suggests that pre-publicity for the Utrecht tour was somehow at fault for failing to alert concert goers that they were off to see the RTO. Although programmes and fliers were clearly headlined ‘An appearance by the Really Terrible Orchestra’, some people still bought tickets believing they were going to the Amsterdam Concertgebouw, and they will have to be reimbursed.

It remains RTO policy, wherever we play, that the customer is always right and a decision has therefore been taken, with great regret, to sack our publicity manager.

Because our last concert was in Utrecht, a city in the Netherlands, the review that appeared in the local press was written in Dutch. This posed problems, not just for orchestra members (none of whom speak Dutch) but also for the many British fans who had travelled to Utrecht and naturally wanted to find out what they had heard.

Appeals were made to anyone with a Dutch connection and eventually three translations were procured – heartfelt thanks to the girlfriend of Susie’s nephew, to Richard Seligman (who had a go despite having no Dutch whatsoever), and to the English but Dutch-speaking (no explanation offered) aunt of Livia Dyckhoff.

The results were surprising in that they produced three markedly different interpretations of the same text. For example, where one translation described the RTO as ‘friendly amateur people’, another had us down as ‘a chic amateur club’ and the third as ‘very posh’.

‘So far so bad’ in one version translated as ‘so much bitterness’ in another! More puzzling still, ‘survival of the fittest works out’ (Dyckhoff) became ‘survival of the fittest also unpack’ (Seligman)!

The RTO’s rendition of Tchaikovsky’s 1818 Overture was variously described as ‘screeching’, ‘crowing’ and ‘cheating’ (Seligman).

The only thing everyone agreed on was that it was going to be a hot summer for the Dutch Symphony Orchestra which, if meant as a cryptic joke, was completely lost on all three translators.

One other oddity: Sir Richard, who spoke a lot but didn’t actually give The Speech, seems to have been mixed up with Malcolm, who did. Perhaps we all look the same to the Dutch. Or perhaps something was lost in translation.

To avoid such confusion in future, we would like to ask respectfully that reviewers, whatever their nationality or publication, write their RTO reviews in English.